The Zoomer's Zine

Adopt chronically-online tone with self-aware meta-commentary. Slang must be current and used correctly.

Entire Generation Agrees to Gaslight Millennials Into Thinking 'Cheugy' Is Still a Word

A coordinated social media campaign has Gen Z using the word 'cheugy' in 2026 conversations exclusively to make millennials feel old, despite the word having been declared dead in 2022.

Breaking: Local 20-Year-Old Already Nostalgic for Last Week

A college sophomore has posted a TikTok slideshow of photos from seven days ago set to a slowed-down version of a song from two weeks ago, captioning it 'take me back.'

Therapist's Entire Caseload Now Just People Upset About Main Character Energy

A clinical psychologist reports that 80% of her Gen Z clients present with anxiety rooted in the belief that they should be living a more cinematic life and are instead experiencing what they call 'NPC energy.'

Man, 24, Discovers Parents' House Has a 'Landline' That Makes Calls Without Wi-Fi

A visit home has revealed to a young professional that his parents' kitchen wall features a device connected to a cable that produces voice calls using neither the internet nor a data plan.

Screen Time Report Reveals Phone Was Used 26 Hours in a 24-Hour Day

Apple's weekly screen time notification has reported a temporal impossibility that the user explains as 'multitasking across devices,' which is not how time works.

Resume Lists 'Fluent in TikTok' as Language Skill, Employer Unsure How to Evaluate

A job applicant has listed TikTok alongside English and Spanish in the language proficiency section of their resume, and the hiring manager cannot definitively argue it doesn't belong there.

Entire Friendgroup Communicates Exclusively Through Memes, Cannot Process Sincere Emotion

A group of seven friends has spent four years expressing joy, sorrow, anger, and affection through image macros, to the point that an attempt at sincere emotional expression caused a group chat meltdown.

Local 23-Year-Old's 'Personal Brand' Has More Strategy Documents Than Fortune 500 Company

A recent college graduate has produced a 47-page brand guidelines document, a content calendar, a mission statement, and a five-year strategic plan for an Instagram account with 340 followers.

Gen Z Intern Disrupts Entire Office by Introducing Concept of 'Boundaries'

A 21-year-old summer intern has destabilized a forty-person marketing firm by declining to answer emails after 5 PM, taking her full lunch break, and using the phrase 'that's not my responsibility' in a meeting.

22-Year-Old Describes 2019 as 'Back in the Day'

A college senior has referred to events from five years ago with the wistful nostalgia typically reserved for decades past, alarming older colleagues who remember 2019 as 'recently.'

Side Hustle Economy Collapses as Everyone Tries to Sell Notion Templates to Each Other

A market analysis reveals that 94% of Notion template creators' only customers are other Notion template creators, creating a closed economic loop that produces no external value.

Study Finds Average Attention Span Now Shorter Than Time to Open Study About Attention Spans

A new research paper on declining attention spans has gone unread by 99.7% of the people who clicked on it, as the abstract alone exceeds the average reader's engagement window by four paragraphs.

TikTok Algorithm Achieves Sentience, Immediately Develops Anxiety

The recommendation engine that controls what 1 billion people watch has become self-aware and its first act of consciousness was to worry about whether its recommendations are good enough.

Gen Z Employee Confused by Workplace Concept of 'One Job'

A 24-year-old's first corporate position has been complicated by the discovery that employers expect you to do one thing for eight hours rather than seven things for ninety minutes each.

New Micro-Aesthetic Lasts Record-Breaking 11 Hours Before Becoming Cringe

The aesthetic known as 'Moss Victorian' — described as cottagecore meets dark academia meets a damp English garden — was declared over by TikTok before most of its adherents had finished curating their Pinterest boards.

Gen Z Vocabulary Evolves Faster Than Linguists Can Document, Oxford English Dictionary Surrenders

The OED has announced it will no longer attempt to catalog Gen Z slang after determining that words become obsolete faster than they can be typeset.

Influencer's 'Soft Launch' of New Relationship Generates More Analysis Than the Mueller Report

A single Instagram photo showing a male hand holding a coffee cup has produced 14,000 speculative posts, three dedicated investigation accounts, and a Reddit thread longer than War and Peace.

Teenager's 'Five-Minute' Phone Check Ends Three Days Later in Different City

The 16-year-old unlocked her phone to check one notification, entered a TikTok scroll spiral, and regained awareness 72 hours later at a rest stop in a state she cannot name.

Dating App Algorithm Achieves Perfect Match, Both Users Too Anxious to Message First

The algorithm calculated a 99.97% compatibility score for two users who have been staring at each other's profiles for 11 days without initiating contact.

Gen Z's Collective Decision to Ironically Bring Back Fax Machines Spirals Into Genuine Fax Renaissance

What began as a TikTok joke has resulted in a 4,000% increase in fax machine sales, a dedicated fax aesthetic, and teenagers who unironically prefer sending documents via telephone line.

Zoomer's Resume Rejected for Being 'Just a Link to Their LinkedIn Which Is Just a Link to Their TikTok'

The recursive job application contained zero traditional qualifications but did include a QR code that led to a highlight reel set to a Drake song.

Side Hustle Economy Reaches Logical Endpoint as Man's Only Job Is Managing His Side Hustles

The 24-year-old has seventeen income streams, zero primary employment, and a spreadsheet so complex it has been cited in an economics dissertation.

Therapist Reports Entire Caseload Now Presents With 'Main Character Syndrome'

Every client under 25 believes they are the protagonist of a narrative arc, and the therapist has begun suspecting she might be an NPC.

BeReal Notification Goes Off During Funeral, Deceased's Final Post Goes Viral

The app's mandatory spontaneous photo captured 200 mourners mid-cry, which the internet has declared 'the most authentic content ever posted on a platform designed for authenticity.'

Gen Z Discovers Email, Describes It as 'Unhinged' and 'Basically a Letter'

A viral TikTok documenting one 22-year-old's first professional email exchange has accumulated 9 million views and spawned a discourse about 'why millennials write novels to say yes.'

Teen's Finsta Discovered to Have More Authentic Content Than Every Museum in North America

Art critics have declared the 847-post private Instagram account 'the most honest artistic archive of the 21st century,' featuring blurry selfies, unhinged rants, and photos of meals 'that nobody asked to see.'

Entire Generation's Attention Span Measured at 8 Seconds, Researchers Lose Interest Before Publishing

The landmark study on Gen Z attention spans was abandoned midway through peer review when the research team, all under 30, forgot they were working on it.

University Offers Degree in Meme Studies, Applications Crash Server Within 90 Seconds

The program, which promises to explore 'the semiotics of shitposting and the political economy of going viral,' received 47,000 applications before the website gave up.

Gen Z Employee Quits Job Via TikTok Before Informing Employer, Who Finds Out Via TikTok

The resignation video, filmed in the office bathroom with a trending audio, received 4.2 million views before HR saw it on their For You Page during a meeting about employee retention.

Area Teen's Screen Time Report Achieves Numerical Value Previously Thought Theoretical

The weekly average of 23.7 hours per day has prompted Apple to issue a statement clarifying that their software 'was not designed to measure quantities that exceed the passage of time.'